My dear ravishing, smooth-skinned slave girl,
(I am most sorry, Princess Leia! Jabba the Hut is forcing me to translate and scribe this most horrendous message for you. I feel like my poor stomach is about to heave, and I don’t even have a stomach!)
Ever since your departure, I’ve had the finest blacksmiths of Alderaan create replicas of your stunning outfit so that I can gaze at it whenever I think of you. Yet even though the sight of glittering gold is usually enough to satiate me (oh for heaven’s sake this Jabba is such a pig! Oh yes, you’re right, R2-D2, he’s a worm thing not a pig), there has never been a sight that makes me more frustrated than the barren gold bikini on my wall. It is missing something, missing you, my little slave girl. You with all that bare skin, stubborn arrogance, and fiery words. Mmm, you were better than any gold in the world. (Oh, I cannot believe I am writing down such despicable words!)
I heard from my messengers that you left me for Han Solo, but I believe you are blind to the truth and what kind of life you really want to live. Leave that pathetic, bedraggled vagabond behind (because Jabba is a dashing, muscular, and honourable knight in shining armour, right?) I can give you all you can ask for. With all my gold, I can give you all the golden skirts, iron chokers (iron chokers! good gracious!), and all the seductive clothing that I know you’ve been craving since you left me. Han Solo doesn’t know how to love you or how to appreciate you. He can never decorate you with the finest gold in the galaxy, nor can he properly wield your power or wealth as princess. No one sees you the way I do. (Help, he keeps licking his lips! I feel faint!) You belong with me, the only being in the galaxy who has the deservable respect for the beauty you behold.
Your fine, handsome lover, (whose skin varies in shades puke-like green, diarrhoea-brown, and and snot-coloured slime, might I add. What do you mean you didn’t know humour was a part of my programming, R2-D2? I am not joking around!)
Jabba the Hut
Shawn Cheuk and Serena Tam, both 16, Hong Kong International School