I have some good news: I have fallen in love with you. You caught my eye the first time I met you. I was attempting to capture you and you were trying to escape. But when you turned to shoot me, I immediately became smitten with you. I do believe the term is “love at first fight”. I’ve always been shy about this but I know I can’t hold it in anymore.
I know I may seem evil to you but please believe that my love for you is true. I would without hesitation dump anybody to be with you and I hope I can be your next lover if you have one now or your current lover if you don’t mind double timing or don’t really care about your current / ex-boyfriend /girlfriend or happen to have some spare time on your hands. And just to lay it all out and avoid any future misunderstandings, I am currently seeing two people, General Hux and Darth Vader. General Hux is a high ranking male strategic officer, he’s 31, he has an ear, all his eyes are brown and he has a mouth, like a hole in the ground, with teeth, but I would dump him in an instant if it meant I could have a shot with you. Darth Vader is a Sith Lord, he’s 80-something, but I hope you can respect my beliefs and allow me to keep Vader in my room. I promise I won’t talk to him in front of you, so you will need to turn around whenever I give you the signal. I also understand that the star-killing business is a somewhat “deal breaker” for you, but if you could possibly overlook that slight problem, I’m sure you would discover that I am not evil in the slightest. Ok, maybe a little evil, but a bit of star-killing never hurt anyone (disintegration is instantaneous and probably painless, so it is true that nobody felt pain.)
I know that the voices in my head tell me to decaffeinate (or is it decapitate, I can never remember) you, especially on Decaffeination day or, as you call it, Monday, but I promise I will only take it out on other people. Also, to be a better person for you, I promise never to kill anyone innocent or unconscious, providing that you understand some people have it coming. And you have my solemn oath that I will only kill those who are conscious, and if they’re not conscious, you have my solemn oath that I will wake them up and then kill them, or kill them as they are waking, depending on the situation and what course is called for, and I seem to have lost track of this letter, but the point is they will be awake, or partly so, on that you have my word. You may also get the illusion (like Hux) that the only way I know to cheer others up is by insulting them, but the truth is precisely the opposite. It is, in fact, the only way I know to cheer myself up. Just get past the hair that looks like the dead mutant offspring of a spider and a porcupine and I am actually quite attractive, handsome and appealing, not to mention honest and modest.
I am truly sorry about Han Solo, who tragically died when I killed him. I know you miss him, and so did I, when I tried to shoot him some time ago. I assure you, he is not as good as you think. Do you know he was once a weapon dealer until he was sacked for not being very good at it? His death wasn’t that bad, from a certain point of view.
Although I may not seem like a “people person”, unless a “people person” is defined as a person who kills people, I actually get more impressive as time goes on (unlike a certain friend of yours, who, unlike most people who are not immediately impressive, actually gets less impressive as time wears on. Which is actually impressive in itself. ) Aside from the aforementioned honesty and modesty, I am actually quite observant. I know a lot about you, mostly from your double agent Hayz Landa, who you think works for us but secretly works for you. What you don’t know is that we know he is actually a triple agent, working for us but secretly working for you but really he is working for us and has succeeded in making me lose track of this letter once again.
Please believe that I love you. After this, I’m going to make you dinner. You don’t have to like it, you don’t have to eat it, and I suppose you don’t even have to be there, but that’s what I’m going to do. Come if you believe I love you. If not, come all the same. I love you more than anything in the world. You should feel honoured.