How would you persuade a group of aliens not to invade Earth?

How would you persuade a group of aliens not to invade Earth?

Every Wednesday we ask our Brain Game contestants one interesting, thought-provoking or just plain quirky question. Their answers will be published anonymously in Young Post. Then readers can vote for their FAVOURITE answer. We will eliminate the contestant with the LEAST votes every week until we have a winner.

The ultimate Brain Game winner will receive a Polaroid Socialmatic Camera worth US$299. Votes close at midnight on Sunday.

The contestants

Contestant 1

Since aliens are probably going to be more powerful than humans, and because they can probably zap us to dust in seconds if we tried to fight back, there’s no way that we’d be able to change their minds or convince them to spare Mother Earth from certain doom. That leaves us with one option – we would need to turn ourselves into aliens. Okay, it sounds absurd, but it isn’t impossible. We could make use of things like body paint, costumes, and cosmetics to pretend to be fellow aliens from another planet.

“But,” you might say, “how will we interact with those aliens? Won’t our plans fall to pieces when it becomes obvious that we don’t understand what they say and we can’t respond?” Well ... yeah, then it’s game over. But hey, we’re living in the 21st century. We have scientists who are finding new treatments for so-called incurable diseases, and discovering new galaxies, new planets and new species all the time. I’m certain this wouldn’t be a problem for long, not when we have all of these brainy scientists and computer experts at our disposal. They would surely be able to find a way to translate English into an alien language easily. Once we do that, all we would need to do is scare the aliens away from Earth. We could whine about how humans torture us, how there isn’t any food for us, and how there are giants three times our size who stomp all over us.

And then, to finish it off, we could tell them that we (the fake aliens) have caught a deadly infectious disease from the humans, and warn them that they’d better get off Earth immediately, or they’d be finished, too. Then we can act as if we’re all slowly dying of this terrible illness as they speed away in their spaceships. Genius, no?


Contestant 2

Easy. I’ll tell them the Earth sucks because:

1 We’re really good at filling the Earth’s atmosphere with pollutants. Our cars and trucks emit harmful chemicals like carbon monoxide, nitrogen dioxide, and sulphur dioxide. Our power plants produce billions of tonnes of carbon dioxide – in 2011, coal-burning released 14.4 billion tonnes of CO2 into the air worldwide. Even if aliens didn’t understand the names of the chemicals, they’d be scared of the numbers.

2 Our river water is toxic, too! Not only are we good at producing air pollutants, we pump pollutants into the water. Look at the Matanza-Riachuelo River in Argentina – it’s full of toxic chemicals. It’s nicknamed the Slaughterhouse River because many slaughterhouses and tanneries line its banks, and they all like to dump their waste into the river. If aliens drank the toxic river water, they would die.

3 Aliens don’t deal in our currencies, so they wouldn’t be able to buy food and they would die. Even aliens need food and water to live.

4 It’s super hot on Earth. Global warming is no joke, and would probably kill them.

Basically I would tell them to go home because Earth is NOT the utopia they’re looking for. That’s better than telling them we have deadly weapons or bombs.

But we really need to fix our environmental problems or we’ll be doomed anyway. We should only use pollution as a trick to get rid of the aliens. It shouldn’t be an actual fact that could devastate the planet.

*In case of dispute, Young Post reserves the right to decide the result

This article appeared in the Young Post print edition as
How would you persuade a group of aliens not to invade Earth?

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