Many Americans are greeting the first 100 days of the Trump administration with weeping and gnashing of teeth. Not me. I’m Mr. Optimism. I’m walking on the sunny side of the street while the climate is still temperate enough to allow it.
So today, while gloomy people were moping, let’s count all the good things that have occurred since the inauguration. First, President Trump hasn’t started a nuclear war with North Korea (yet).
His administration has adopted a very sensible policy for countering the paranoid North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un, he of the strange haircut. It basically amounts to shaking a large stick at him so he will forget to feel paranoid and maybe even visit a regular barber.
If push comes to shove, Americans can be confident that its armed forces are up to the task. They were in a shocking state just a few months ago – Mr. Trump suggested so on the campaign trail – but miraculously when the new president came on board they suddenly became the best again.
They misplaced a carrier battle group the other week. The administration said it was going to Korea when, at the time, it was actually steaming to Australia. Fortunately, the ships were soon found and turned around, which was a good thing as you can’t have admirals saying, “What the heck? I know those ships are around somewhere.”
Of course, fair-minded Americans recognise this could happen to anyone as Korea and Australia are often confused. People talk about the fog of war, but the fog of peace can be just as impenetrable, especially if you are new to the job and bring your own fogginess.
Fortunately, the president has recruited China to help the US deal with the bad-haircut guy. They have promised to do as little as they can, but will continue to sell them stuff, so everything is swell.
Moreover, the Chinese president gave Trump a great little lecture about North Korea – better than TED Talks without Ted, better even than the lectures available to students at Trump University...assuming they were not already bankrupt. Now that he’s an expert in the field, he can tell you that kimchi is not the North Korean defence secretary.
Unfortunately, Mr. Trump didn’t take the opportunity to scold the Chinese for starting the climate-change hoax. This shows what a natural diplomat he is, not wishing to offend without proof.
What the US needs is more methane, a manly sort of gas that spells employment. Breathing is overrated anyway. It can’t have weak liberals sitting around tasting the air like wine snobs.
No, what its needs is people busy at jobs fueled by fossil fuels, promoted by fossil politicians. Americans can grow bigger noses if they need more air or else have them surgically enhanced, which would boost the health care industry.
The best thing Mr. Trump has done is to destroy the idea of role models, which was a concept invented by academics, some wearing beards and sandals. The idea was always nonsense. Young people went against their nature and emulated all sorts of unsuitable characters chosen.
Mr. Trump has broken that myth forever. Who wants to have their child grow up to be a swaggering, untruthful, name-calling, bullying braggart? Why, someone like that could end up as president of the United States!
George Washington was said to have chopped down a cherry tree as a child but did not lie when confronted. If young Donald Trump chopped down a cherry tree, he would say: “It’s fake news. Obama chopped it down!”
What a blessing he has been to the US these 100 days.