Apps so bad you should just spare your phone, and yourself, the grief

Apps so bad you should just spare your phone, and yourself, the grief

Perapps usually brings you the world’s most mind-bendingly awesome apps. Not this week, suckers! Prepare to be driven with boredom and frustration while using one of these technological turkeys. (Thankfully, they’re all free.)

Electric Razor: Free

This app will shave away your faith in humanity. Hit “go” and watch your phone transform into an electric razor, complete with vibration and realistic buzzing noise. A lightsaber app may be similarly useless, but at least it looks cool. It’s free? How very generous of them.

Available: iOS (Try Android’s Hand Dryer Pro)



iFrenchKiss

Srsly, bro? Nothing says desperate and slightly demented like slurping the screen of your phone. Described as an “original proprietary kissing analysis engine,” the app scores your kissing skills based on your technique. Because the cold, hard, (and probably germ-covered) glass screen on your smartphone is the perfect substitute for a human mouth. Ewww.

Available: iOS



99 Bottles!

Smell what sells, they tell you at business school. Well this app is a stinker. Before boredom was banished by the dawn of the app, people used to sing folk songs to pass the time. You can bring back that mind-numbing sensation with this pointless app, which sings 99 Bottles and removes one bottle from the screen after every verse. The torture ends when all the bottles are taken down. If you must sing along, sing responsibly.

Available: iOS



PopCap

Brace yourself for hours of mindless fun, and get ready to go giddy for this gem. PopCap: for the great gods did bestow this divine gift upon humanity. Based on the same logic (probably) that brought you the bubble wrap app, PopCap wants to bottle the satisfaction you get from popping metal lids. In the olden days, your grandparents had to resort to heavy jam jars to get their hit. Thanks to the digital revolution, you can now tap a screen to get that metallic clicking noise. TG Games, we salute you as true visionaries.

Available: Android



S.M.T.H (Send Me To Heaven)

Never underestimate human stupidity, especially when it comes to an app that challenges you to see how high you can throw your phone. If you’re a high-roller with cash to – quite literally – throw away, then go ahead, chuck that phone into the sky. And why not throw that Ming vase into Victoria Harbour while you’re at it? Think very, very carefully about whether you want to risk your HK$5,000 smartphone just to get on this ridiculous app’s leaderboard.

Available: Android (or try Hangtime! on iOS if you’re a fool with an iPhone)

This article appeared in the Young Post print edition as
Worst. Apps. Ever.

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