If there was one thing drawing you to David Koepp's screwball comedy Mortdecai, it would probably be seeing Americans Johnny Depp and Gwyneth Paltrow playing an eccentric and supremely British couple who solve the mystery of a missing painting that somehow threatens global security.
If that's what you're looking for, you'll be disappointed. As Charlie Mortdecai, an obnoxious art dealer and "part-time rogue" who loves his moustache too much, Depp's performance is feeble and graceless. He does some Jack Sparrow face twitches, shows off the gap between his front teeth - and that's about it.
Mortdecai's loyal manservant (Paul Bettany), who thinks it a privilege to suffer physical harm for his employer, had the potential to make the movie slightly touching, but that notion falls apart when the script fails to suggest a reason for his devotion. Add to that the fact that he never seems to suffer or die, his injuries are neither funny nor stirring.
While the film's upbeat pace helps keep you awake from the predictable storyline, the CGI is plain bad, impressive only if the film was shot two decades ago. And featuring a Virgin Atlantic plane multiple times is jarring product placement that just adds to your annoyance.
The film ends with people about to vomit. At least that's apt.